Goodbye 2011 – A tribute to my Grandmother

Recently, NPR asked their listeners to describe the past year in one word.  The only word I could think of for me was “hard”.  2011 was a very difficult year for me and my family.

It began with my dear grandmother in a rehab facility to recover from what we thought may have been several minor strokes that she had in the fall of 2010 and began to affect her ability to walk as the year closed.  I was with her and my grandfather in January when the doctor came in and told us that she had not had any strokes.  Instead, the conclusion of all the tests she had underwent was that her symptoms were the result of severely advanced bone cancer, she had beat breast cancer in 2005.  The bone cancer was in her hip, throughout her spine, and all over her skull.  My grandfather was devastated.  But, my grandmother, an amazingly strong woman, accepted the diagnosis and prognosis with a grace that I believe is unique to women of her generation.  She decided to work as hard as she could with the physical strength she had remaining to ease my grandfather into a life of a second-time widower, confident that we would be there to guide him through his grief and cope with the loss of his second wife.  You see, my “real” grandmother, who I was named after, died in June of 1974 of a brain tumor.  My grandfather told me that when my “Grandma Exie” died, he thought he would never find another woman to love again.  In September 1975, he married my “Grandma Bea”, a widow herself at that time, and she is the grandmother of my heart; having been born 2 months after the death of my Grandma Exie, Grandma Bea is the only grandmother I’ve known.  Childless herself, Grandma Bea inherited a small, feisty bunch that would eventually number 2 stepsons, 2 (step)daughters-in-law, 1 (ex-step)daugher-in-law, 4 granddaughters, 1 grandson, 3 great-grandsons, and 2 great-granddaughters.  She cared for us and loved us with all her heart.

My grandmother was also a woman of great faith.  I remember visiting her in Arkansas where she and my grandfather lived during my early childhood.  They had a farm with chickens and cows, which they bred.  On Sundays, I would sit along with many other young ones from her town and listen as my grandmother taught us about the Bible in her church’s Children’s Bible class.  She embodied the women of years past, who lived for God and for their families; happy to be a housewife, but not subservient or weak by any stretch of the imagination.  My grandmother regularly canned vegetables, made apple butter, and homemade southern comfort food that I still find myself craving at times.  She paid all the bills and kept my grandfather comfortable and happy.

My Grandma Bea spent the last couple of months of her life in hospice care in the comfort of her own home.  The last weeks were the hardest.  She never complained of pain, but I could see that it was getting worse.  She made a cursory show of eating, preferring instead to sip a little bit of water with her morning medicine.  I spent as much time as I could with her, rotating care with my 2 cousins, my uncle and his wife.  At times, I didn’t think that I had the strength to keep everything under control.  I still had my kids to take care of, my own home, my clients, and a business to run.  Without the support of my husband and friends, it would have broke me.

On the morning of May 14th, my grandmother took her last breath.  My parents had just arrived at their house and my mother went in, held my grandma’s hand…and she was gone.  My father contacted me immediately as I was heading out the door to go to work.  Holding back tears, I immediately called the clients that I had scheduled that day and explained why their appointments had to be canceled.  I’d like to take this moment to express my appreciation to those clients, and all of my clients, who were so supportive during this time, whether they knew what I was experiencing or not.  My office was my sanctuary, a quiet place where I felt a bit of distance from my own sorrow and pain.

Her funeral was lovely and was a time that we all could reflect on the strong, amazing woman she had been.  Her grace, faith and loyalty to family is something that I will forever attempt to imitate in my life.

2 weeks later, my uncle’s wife went to see my grandfather.  She was supposed to help him tie up some legal matters regarding my grandmother.  He didn’t answer the door when she knocked.  She called my uncle…who called EMS…who were able to get through all the locked doors.  They found my grandfather on the floor in his bedroom unconscious.  My grandfather spent a month in the ICU.  We were able to determine that while setting his alarm the night before, he had suffered a heart attack, fell backwards on the floor and spent at least 5 hours struggling to get up.  He had injuries to his head, his kidneys were in bad shape, and we didn’t know if we were going to lose him too.  Eventually, he recovered enough to be moved into a rehab facility where his caregivers were able to get him to the point of moving into an assisted living facility.  We moved him there in August and he has been there ever since.  His legs are very weak and he needs to use a wheelchair and at times, has strength to use a walker.  My Uncle is his primary caregiver and I am grateful that he is there for him.  My grandfather may never be able to return to the
home he and my grandmother shared.  Our goal now is to keep his spirits up as he faces each day in a new place, alone.

When I look back on 2011, I think about how hard it was.  It was scary to hear the doctor’s talk about my grandmother’s terminal illness.  It was exhausting to spend any free time I had at their home, while neglecting my own.  It was full of sorrow as I faced the loss of one grandparent and the possibility of losing another.  It was frustrating to know that my kids’ entire summer was spent in hospitals and rehab centers instead of with their friends.  But, 2011 was also a year that I learned the power of faith. I learned to be grateful for my family and friends.  I learned that my kids are stronger than I thought, and so am I.  I was touched by the care and concern of my clients.

As I look forward to 2012, I hope it has more joy for me and my family than sorrow.  Regardless of what will come, I endeavor to face the year with grace, strength, and faith.  I think it would make my Grandma Bea proud.

My Grandparents, Husband, Sons & Me December 2008

My Family, Uncle, Cousins & Grandparents July 2010